It's not an easy thing to heal from — but according to marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney , patients who find success staying together after someone cheats have one main thing in common: "There's a willingness to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair versus focusing solely on the act of the affair itself," she explains.
That's not to be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing to issues in the relationship as excuses. But if you're able to get real with your partner on what hasn't been working — without playing the blame game — it's a good sign that your relationship has the potential to be repaired. In fact, it may not simply be repaired, but you may come out even stronger than before if you handle it the right way.
For Grant, an author and journalist living in Toronto, packing up and leaving wasn't immediately in the cards. Instead, she focused on her own healing with the help of a therapist , while her husband spent time in therapy separately. If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road.
Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship. This is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward. The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair. Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it?
Heartbreak-rage-move on is a formula that has fed every kind of pop culture for centuries, from the Bible to movie melodramas. Lifelong monogamy is still a cultural ideal. It takes time, however. Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Psy. There are a few factors that make a couple more likely to try to work it out, psychologist Paul Coleman, Psy. Experts say there are a lot of things that need to happen in order for a couple to move on.
The first, and most important, is for the cheating to stop. Washington, D. Next to instructions on how to move your ass and young love, one of the most popular topics for hit songs is what to do when someone cheats on you.
Most recommend some combination of tequila, several one-night stands, and property destruction. Very few suggest trying to work it out, having hard conversations, and practicing the painful art of forgiveness.
Unfortunately, even in a post- Lemonade world, there is a lot of stigma around staying. Assumptions like these ignore the complicated web of considerations that go into deciding what to do after infidelity is revealed.
Esther Perel, noted relationship therapist, wrote a book called State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity , encouraging people to try to understand how and why affairs happen, but also how a relationship might get better —with lots of work—after infidelity.
In practice, it tends to be uncommon for a relationship to survive instances of cheating. Some statistics put that number much higher, especially when it comes to married folks; clinical psychologist Joseph Cilona, Psy. For her part, she was afraid of confronting me about it. We sort of talked, I took her back, and we started going out again. Looking back, I think that was a mistake. However, this strategy can go a long way toward healing and moving on with your life.
If you think a little extra wisdom from the experts will help, then check out these great TED Talks that we recommend for anyone considering divorce. Go to this page about online divorce to learn more. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice , 3 1. We do not provide legal advice through the Service. The Service may facilitate access or introductions to an attorney or other licensed professionals in various ways, including, for example, by providing you with their contact information.
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